A river I must be by Kate Foster

I want to walk away.

I want to scream and shout.

I want to cry and hide.

I want to make it all go away.

But I don't.

I must get away.

I must release what's inside.

I must be strong.

I must ...

But I won't.

I can't speak.

I can't hear.

I can't feel.

In this story we are privileged to hear the inner most thoughts of Bec. At times, though, her journey feels almost way too hard 'hear'. Is there no one who understands why she feels things so acutely. Why her uniform reacts so badly against her skin? Why she finds the school rules so confusing? Why she feels the need to wear a mask and copy the facial reactions of others? And worst of all - Why her teacher seems to hate her? 

Monday means school.

School means masking.

Masking means hiding.

Hiding is exhausting.

Thank goodness Bec does have one glorious outlet - she loves sport and more especially she loves and excels at gymnastics. Even better at gymnastics Bec is able to almost let her guard down as she spends precious time with her one true friend Clover. Sadly though, Clover attends a different school which means she cannot support Bec in the hostile school environment.

Bookseller burb: Rebecca Tapia has started at a prestigious new school and is overwhelmed by the rules and expectations. With her mum away and her dad facing challenges of his own, Rebecca's only way of surviving is to mask her autism.

My uniform suffocates me.

I fasten the top button,

yank at the cardboard collar,

adjust the cardboard sleeves,

retie the striped tie,

tightly

for good measure.

Strips of cloth

around necks.

Why?

I picked up this book in one of our large city chain bookstores and read the whole book in one sitting. Yes, it does have 260 pages, but the verse novel format and compelling story mean you will just fly through this heart wrenching story even though at times I did have to stop and take a breath.

I'm no one.

And no one listens

to fussy

little

girls

like me.

If you work in a High School library go out now and grab this book - this is an essential purchase. I also expect to see this book listed as a 2027 CBCA Notable title. Kate Foster has completely embraced the verse novel form for this book - it is hard to believe this is her first foray into this style of writing. 

Is anyone else always

aware of their heart 

beating?

Can anyone else always

feel their clothes and skin

touching?

Does anyone else always

have to concentrate on

breathing?

Does anyone else always

have a mind constantly

wandering?

Can anyone else always

sense the presence of others

living?

Is anyone else always

fit to burst form so much

thinking?

The teacher in this book - Mrs Rivers - is despicable and this might seem strange, but I am glad Kate Foster resisted the idea of her redemption. I can only hope (spoiler alert) that the school Principal now has enough information to remove this dreadful person from the school and even from the profession of teaching!

Click on this review from The Book Muse for a detailed plot summary: (The verse novel is) a gorgeous way of telling this story, and vastly different to Kate’s previous work. All of her books feature autistic characters, and each character’s autism is different. Yet telling this story in verse form felt very suitable, because it gave Rebecca’s story the voice and gravitas it needs to have the great impact it had on me and that I hope it has on younger readers who might be able to see themselves in Rebecca or understand what being autistic might be like for their friends. It’s powerful in its quiet way, yet also a loud advocate for autistic people and what they go through each day.

You may know I am not a fan of endorsements and there are so many on the first six pages of A river I must be, but I did find myself agreeing with so many of the comments by well-known Australian writers. Here are a few quotes:

"Tender, honest, heart-wrenching ..." Sarah Armstrong

"a pummeling rapid of sadness and joy, anger and celebration, churning and thundering ... it will leave you breathless." Sophie Beer

"Kate Foster's words are a lyrical advocacy for inclusivity, and Bec's story will offer hope and understanding to many young readers." Karen Comer

"We are in desperate need of voices like this that uplift and make visible, the lived experience of disability while highlighting what discrimination and allyship looks like." Shirley Marr

Here are the teachers notes from Scholastic.

Age recommendations: Here we go again - please, please publishers don't suggest young readers for books that are clearly intended for a Young Adult audience - ages 12+. The publisher says 10+ but I suggest this is a book for a High School library not Primary. I am SO pleased to see this book on the High School list of the Scholastic Standing order. 

Like a river,

I must keep flowing,

finding a way through

if I want to survive.

I will adapt

no matter the pain this causes me.

I will paint on a mask

and hide my struggles.

But can I be strong

like a river?

I previously talked about these books by Kate Foster:

The Unlikely Heroes Club

Small Acts